A pharmacist comes back from his break and sees a man leaning against the wall, his face strained and nervous. He asks his assistant: "What's wrong with that man over there?""He came in looking for cough medicine,” she replies. “I couldn't find any, so I gave him a whole bottle of laxatives.""Oh great!” steamed the pharmacist. “He is going to sue us now. You don’t give laxatives to a person with a cough!"“Well,” said the clerk defensively, “look at him. He’s afraid to cough!” *****************************Two little old ladies were sitting on a park benchoutside the local town hall where a flower show wasin progress. The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is sodarned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!""You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a$5.00 bill.The first little old lady slowly fumbled her wayout of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through thefront door of the flower show.Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a hugecommotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.The smiling and naked old lady came through theexit door surrounded by a cheering crowd."What happened?" asked her waiting friend."I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement******************The Magician> > A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week> so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only> one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to> understand how the magician did every trick.> > Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show,Look,> it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the> table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The> magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the> captain's parrot.> > > Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank!,> drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found> himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate> would have it ... with the parrot. They stared at each other with> hatred, but did not utter a word.> > > This went on for a day... and then 2 days and then 3 days ...> > > Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and> said ......> > > OK, I give up. Where's the fuckin' ship?"*********************> Embarrassing First Date If you didn't see this on the Tonight Show, I hope you're sitting downwhen you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not! We have all had bad dates, but this takes the cake. This justtells you how tough it is to be single nowadays. This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize! She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It wasquickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with areply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of someassistance!" He came around the car as she tried to cover herself withher sweater, and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, heburst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finallymanaged to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were facedwith a real problem both agreed it would take something hot to freeher chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded tounzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment, "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."